The Face in the Mirror

Do you like who you see in the mirror? Sadly, I can honestly say that I used to hate the person who stared back at me from that reflection. I am fifty-five years old, and up until a few days ago, I didn't have much positive to say about the person I saw in my mirror every morning. I can trace the origin of my insecurity as far back as elementary school ... that feeling of not being sure of myself and how I fit into the world. 

I became a master of deception. There aren't many who knew how I truly felt about myself. I allowed a few precious people to slip past the cracks in my facade, but all except the most perceptive probably had no idea how I really felt about me. For years, I was even able to convince myself that I was just fine. I mean, it's just natural to struggle with self-esteem, right?  

I can still recall in vivid detail the first time serious rejection rocked my world. I was stunned, blind-sided, never saw it coming. That person was a safe place ... or at least that person had been a safe place, my protector, my champion. The hateful words that shattered my naivete' rattled around in my mind for years; they still attempt to rise from the ashes of my past at times.  

I felt impenetrable walls instantly rise around my heart. NO ONE will ever hurt me that way again. No way! The only person I can safely trust in this world is me. Self-protection. That too is only natural. And for years that's how I lived my life. 

The downside is that even I (the one who would have the most vested interest in doing a good job) did a lousy job of protecting myself. Countless poor choices, one after the other, chipping away at my sense of security, my sense of identity, my sense of self. Each time I deemed it safe to let down the walls a bit, safe to let this one or that one have access to my heart, I would again be disappointed by the reality of human nature. Another hole in my heart. And a bigger one in my head!

Eventually this truth prevailed: the only way to avoid rejection is to reject them before they can reject me. Oh, I might not actually reject them outright, but I lived armed and dangerous. Always on the defensive. At the first hint of negativity, my weapons were at the ready. I had a quiver full of various arrows: criticism, judgment, self-righteousness, resentment, sarcasm, the cold shoulder, the silent treatment, bitterness, unforgiveness ... just to name a few. 

You can't hurt me if I hurt you first, right? 

Wow! How in the world did I have any friends at all? you might be wondering. 

That's the saddest part. 

Every single one of these methods of self-protection can be employed by Christians and non-Christians alike. They are equal-opportunity solutions. They can be delivered in mean and hateful ways, OR they can be hammered home in sweetness. 

If you are feeling self-righteous (aka: self-deceptive, and sanctimonious) it might sound like this: "Oh, I just hate to feel this way. We really need to pray for so-and-so. Do you know what they did to me?" 

If you are just sincerely struggling, it can go like so: "Please pray for me. I am having a terrible struggle. I need to come to a place of forgiveness for..."

Sometimes the intent is to harm. Sometimes the motive is pure: Please, God, I just want to stop the pain and keep from being harmed anymore. 

No matter why or how, we should be clear on this fact: Harboring these kinds of thoughts and feelings is like drinking poison and expecting your enemy to die. (I have no idea who should get credit for this quote, but it fits too perfectly not to use it here. I Googled to find out who originally said it, and this is what I found: click here.) 

The honest truth of the matter is this: If we insist on protecting ourselves, if we wall off our hearts to avoid being hurt, if we reject others before they can reject us, eventually we will reject ourselves. We will grow to hate the person we see in the mirror every morning. And that's no way to live. 

How do I know? I lived it. 

You see, I gave my heart and my life to Jesus Christ when I was twenty-five years old. He has been my Savior since the day I prayed and asked Him; my eternity in heaven has been secure. I am saved, but I haven't been truly free. 

I haven't trusted God to protect my heart. I've remained staunchly in control of my life and who could or couldn't get close enough to cause me hurt. That's not to say there has never been pain. As I said above, I haven't always done such a good job of protecting myself.

Jesus has been my Savior, but He was Lord only in select areas. For the thirty years I've walked with Him, I really saw little problem with that. But I had a lot of questions. Why does this or that keep happening to me, Lord? Why can't I find the victory?

And as the years have passed, the Holy Spirit has faithfully helped me, little by little, to pry my fingers off the steering wheel of my life, and He plucked the last one away a couple days ago. 

Over the past ten weeks, I've been part of a Bible study called Freedom, and it culminated in a retreat this past weekend. At that retreat, so many things happened. One of the most significant for me was a newfound freedom; and that freedom came through surrender. I will no longer insist on protecting myself; I will trust God to protect me. I will no longer insist on staying in control; I will yield myself to the Holy Spirit and let Him lead me.

If you have seen yourself in anything I shared above, you might want to pray a prayer similar to the one I was led to pray:

Dear Father, 

I confess that I have not allowed You to be Lord of my life. I have tried to control people and things. Please forgive me. I have allowed a spirit of rejection to permeate my relationships with others, and I have even rejected myself. Forgive me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am created in Your image. If I reject me, I reject You. I will no longer give that spirit of rejection access to my mind or my heart. I tell you, rejection, that you must go; you no longer have any legal right in my life. Fill me, Holy Spirit, with Your love, with Your life, with Your truth. Use me to carry that love and truth to others. 

Amen

Bare Naked Lady

"I'm not sure about the whole courtship thing," my daughter, married now for two years, shared. She went on to explain that she'd not felt ready to handle some of the things she encountered when she first experienced a young man show interest in her. "Maybe if I'd dated a few guys, I'd have known how to handle that situation without freaking out."

Admittedly, her thoughts surprised me.

Over the next few days, as I pondered what she'd shared, I realized that even if I'd allowed or encouraged her to date, she would have still been unprepared, because I couldn't give her what I never had.

I'd done plenty of dating. And it was those experiences that led me to favor the idea of courtship for my own daughters. I'd been unprepared for dating. I assumed that having my kids wait until they were older to begin those opposite-sex encounters would protect them from the stupid mistakes I myself made. By the time I married their father, my heart was bruised and battered. I'd given pieces of my heart to each young man I dated, and I entered marriage with large chunks of it missing.

In fact, after thirty years of marriage, God is still restoring my heart. Some of the major repair work has taken place over the past year.

A little over a year ago, in April of 2013, I attended a women's conference called The Ruach Journey. It was a wonderful experience. Ruach means "the breath of God." I truly did feel the breath of the Holy Spirit in my spirit at that conference. I came back home, ready to change the world.

Here I Am, Lord. Send me! (Isaiah 6:8)

And in my quiet time with the Lord, He gave me my marching orders.

Wait upon Me. (Isaiah 40:31)

Be still and know that I am God. (Psalm 46:10)

He was calling me to a time of rest, rest in Him.

My sails quickly deflated. But I've learned to trust my God. So I settled in to obey His mandate to rest and wait. I began to feel that He had me ensconced in a cocoon of sorts; a holy chrysalis, if you will. For the sake of information, I learned that the British dictionary defines chrysalis as: anything in the process of developing. Well, that was me. God clearly had me in a development process. And He wasn't particularly concerned with how long that development might take, or in sharing that news with me.

In November of 2013, I attended Ruach 2. Honestly, I'd grown so comfortable waiting with God that I thought maybe I wasn't ready for Ruach 2, but as I filled out the necessary application to attend, He made it quite clear that I was to go. It was yet another step in my development process.

Over the course of the past year, He used many resources to minister to me. To name a few:

• Various resources from The Father's Business, a ministry by Sylvia and Elizabeth Gunter
• The Ruach Journey, and Ruach Journey 2 
• A Guide for Listening and Inner Healing Prayer: Meeting God in the Broken Places, by Rusty Rustenbach.
• The Gifts of Imperfection, by Brene Brown
• Believing God, by Beth Moore

God used these tools and my time with Him, to help me understand that though I'd walked with Him for over three decades, I was still in a very embryonic place in specific areas of my spiritual development. I'd spent many years being who I thought He wanted me to be, who I thought others expected me to be, but I truly had no idea who I was created to be. It is this sense of self that was missing in me. The question never had been whether or not I (or my daughters) should pursue dating or courtship; the question was (and still is): Did I ... Do I know who I am in the Lord? Do I truly know that I am His beloved? That He has chosen me? That I am accepted in Him? That He is able to redeem and forgive me? That His love is all that I truly need, and that love gives me worth and purpose in this world?

As He has enlightened (Ephesians 1:18) me over the past months, I've begun to realize that there are many women just like me "out there." Precious daughters of the King who have no idea who they are in Him. Coming to understand who they are will bring incredible freedom and joy. That's what I hope to accomplish in sharing my journey on this blog. I don't have all the answers. All I have are my two fish and five loaves (John 6:1-15), but I'll share them willingly and let God do the rest.

I've been feeling quite restless the past few days. The desire to reach out has been growing in my heart. But I've been letting fear rob me of my joy, letting it keep me from stepping out into the deep. I've been asking God for more confirmation, more reassurance that this is His call for me. During my quiet time with the Lord, for the past two days, He has prodded me.

Go. Now. I've freed you from the chrysalis. It's time to soar, little butterfly! Go.

So here I am. Soul bared naked before whoever takes the time to read this blog. (I'll bet you were wondering how in the world I was going to tie that title to this post!) And I pray that God will bless you, that anything He asks me to share here will help you along your own journey to freedom, joy, peace, and understanding in Him. Amen!